mental health

Mental Health Monday’s | How I’m feeling

July 8, 2019

Good Afternoon & Happy Monday. I’ve suddenly woken up this morning feeling completely ecstatic as well as a horrible feeling in my gut. If you follow me across my social media platforms, then you may know I’m currently doing my Masters degree – something which I have wanted to do since I started Uni 4 years ago now. When it comes to academia, I love reading and I love being surrounded by the thought of knowing I have to study – but real talk, since starting the course in September, I have found it extremely hard – not in the sense of the work allocated as I absolutely love learning about new things and writing about things I’m passionate about, but the realisation of HOW important this year is, is weighing very heavily on me right now.

I’m currently writing my 20,000 word thesis, and let me tell you, I have felt every kind of emotion possible since submitting my Research Proposal in March – I was completely set on the topic I wanted to do, but I didn’t realise just how much it was going to control my life. Even doing the most normal of things daily such as making tea or going to work has been making me feel extremely guilty that I’m not sat at my computer writing words. Yet, every day I am spending hours researching case studies, academic resources and on going disputes, I just can’t comprehend how I actually got here.
The feelings I am getting are completely overwhelming and although I feel like I deal with different emotions every day – this has been something completely different. I can wake up with the incentive to sit at my computer all day, but the thought of doing it makes me feel sick, the thoughts that what I’m writing might not be good enough, or even the thought of what I’m writing sounds too good and doesn’t sound like me. The determination I feel to complete my Masters degree and hand that dissertation in is bitter sweet – I absolutely cannot wait to hand it in and to be over, but admittedly, I feel wholeheartedly deflated as that will be the end of my academic studies. It’s not that I’m not ready to go into work as I have been working since I was 14, but I am going to hopefully be working towards my ultimate dream of becoming a lawyer. I feel sick that this could possibly happen to me – I know I have worked extremely hard and that I deserve it, but it doesn’t make the doubt feel any better.
Sometimes it’s just easier to say how you’re feeling – so this is exactly why I’ve sat down and told you. I honestly feel like we all face something difficult throughout our lives, and so far this is the most difficult yet rewarding thing I am doing towards my future. I am just counting down the days until I can walk away from my graduation day saying ‘I’m a Master in Law’, I think because I want it SO much that it just feels so far out of my reach.
Anyway, that’s today’s MHM’s rant – I hope that some people can relate to this post in some way or another, and would absolutely love to hear if you’ve ever felt like this in any form or another – if you have then please let me know as would love to talk to more people that feel the same way!

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